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I'll hold my breath for a second and just hope it stops bothering me
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wait guys-we're done...dtime to be fun time-goodall things yes!
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just got home.
-emerson's next top model-so much fun. I love being in front of a camera, I just hope I'm semi-decent at it, because otherwise I will have wasted a weekend.
-working on a paper, but my mind is wondering...so I'm writing here
-I think it's time to delete my livejournal, I can't do it anymore, and I don't want to, but looking here is like asking for me to be mad at things I shouldn't, concerned about problems that I can only hope people will bring to my attention in real life, and stifling, because I put too much thought into who will read it to write what I'm actually feeling.
-I read posts and wish you'd all tell me in real life. I read posts and try to work my way through mixed messages, I read posts and hope to find out the things I've missed because I'm so busy, but I end up reading posts and feeling bad about myself and how I'm not there to help, or not there at all. I end up reading and am jealous for things I shouldn't be-about parties I wanted to go to, about days I wanted to be a part of, and about shitty situations that I know I won't be able to solve.

things are good. so much work, I'll probably be up all night, but worse things have happened. I wish there were more people who knew me like I wanted them to, but I hide, and when I don't I feel like they look at me like I'm crazy, even when they stare into my eyes and tell me I'm wonderful. but worse things have happened, and I'll be fine, things are good, not great, not amazing, not wonderful, but good, and I'll work on it, and take ideas where they take me, and work where it takes me, and live it up...and hopefully sleeping a little bit in there too.

but I'm out-really out-and if you want to tell me about your life I'd love to know, but I can't find out about everything through the internet anymore, and if I want to share my life, I'll make an effort to call more too, but if you want to know, just ask okay?
back to the grind

catch ya later-rach

"bookstore" by jon brion
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I hope I can get home for passover!
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I don't think about it in those terms-which makes me careless I suppose...but in my mind, more like just...different.
and I have to choreograph. I don't have time to think about everything 12 times over, there's work to be done, there is yoga in the morning, and I have to get work done, because that's the only time I get to see andy to talk about our shit, and then I have to go to class, because that's the only time I get to figure work out with allie, and then I have to eat lunch, because that's the only time I get to chat up steph in person, and vinny, and gid, and danger, and a passing moment with jules and kevin, and then I get a moment here and there, because that's how it is with me, I only get a moment with each of them, I only get that once and a while, but that's how it goes, I'm busy, I'm tired, I have shit to do, but as long as I get a few moments with a few people, I can get by for a while, a week, two weeks, more, until we meet again, that's what I've learned to do, take in moments, and hold them until the next the one, otherwise I'd be so lonely I wouldn't know what to do with myself, I wouldn't be able to take it-
in class today I did a performance with tiffany, willie, ariel, and austin-it was about making the conscious decision to be happy, to do that things you have to be okay with in order to keep yourself sane-we started out with willie having a panic attack-in the center of the cab. moving/convulsing on the floor-lit by a small lamp, the rest of us on the sides in the dark, breathing/panicking/losing control of breath. then-the lights turned on, cat stevens playing, we dip our feet in colored paint and did sun-salutations on the white sheets on the floor...that slowly filled with primary colored feet and handprints...and in his own time, after the convulsing had stopped, after he decided to, willie joined in, and together we did a set. we finished that and sat down to have tea, inviting the group, sharing tea, and doing a check-in.

I feel like I've had to consciously stop letting emotion take over, which means I'm more selfish, but I have to...to stay sane, to be able to join the group when I need to, to be able to breathe.

and I can't forget that I'm in a good place, that I am going to teach, that I will make art, and that I will go to ireland and smile...and bring back a few things
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...so I'm going alone
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dear friends-
my ireland buddy has mono...it's up in the air if she'll be better...I am going, no one can stop me...plane ticket 425, I'll throw down for the hostel....k guys, find me a friend Go! (leaving march 5th...thursday night, coming back march 13th...friday evening) I'll go alone if I have to. I didn't have sex with someone I knew had mono so I'm still going.
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I'm so angry and upset that I'm in physical pain-I'm exhausted, and there's this knot in my stomach that won't go away-I shouldn't be living here anymore-I shouldn't be doing a lot of things anymore-I must be seasonally depressed-I...have to remind myself to breathe, because I forget to take full breaths and feel light-headed
I won't apologize for being angry, I mean I will, and I'll mean it, but I don't want to, I don't want to apologize for living where I do, for moving the I move, for being who I am, but I will, because that's who I am too.
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I don't want to write this paper

I'm writing my paper and listening to wers...it's not going well
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first assignment
using images, movement, object, and spoken or recorded text, present yourself in 3 minutes-
holy shit.

in other news, nothing could bring me down-times they are a changing
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